We should have known today would be difficult but the question is, how difficult? Can I let go when its time for him to board the bus or is he going to have to gently pry my hands from around his neck? Am I going to be able to hold in the tears or will they flood out? Am I going to be able to whisper I love you too between the sobs and crying? Does he have everything he needs, did he forget anything and what should I send are constants on my mind. Last night he asked me a question that really made me think, are you sad because you are going to miss me or are you sad because your worried about me? I thought about it for a minute and then realized I'm sad because of how much I will miss him. I know its not a camping trip, as he likes to call it, and there are real dangers but for some reason I haven't focused on that yet. Im either in denial or I know he has been trained well. He impresses me all the time with all the things he knows about weapons and how to use them but the more I think about it now the more i'm starting to think i'm in denial. Maybe its best to be this way for a while.
I keep looking around the house and seeing the small messes that were left behind. I wasn't upset about it and told myself it would give me something to do today once I got home. Honestly, I haven't touched a single thing since I have been home except to tighten down the motorcycle cover on his bike. Tony's random t-shirts are still scattered around the house and his extra boots are laying on the floor of our room. His motorcycle gear is still laying on the floor of the garage and the towels from his quick shower are on the bathroom floor. The thing is, I cant bring myself to touch any of it yet. I'm not mental, I swear, they are just the little reminders that he was here not that long ago. I'm sure tomorrow or sunday I will have everything put in its place but then it stays there. When his things don't magically move around the house and get left laying out, those are the reminders he isn't here. I don't think I am ready to face that yet so for now, his stuff is staying scattered everywhere. He did ask alex to randomly throw his stuff around the house so I would have odds and ends to do. Tony also requested for him to pile all the dishes in the sink and leave them there because I LOVE that (i'm laughing as I write this). That man sure knows how to push my buttons but he gives me the crooked smile and his baby blue eyes twinkle and I KNOW he could get away with murder and I wouldn't tell a soul. I know he pushes the limits just to see how much he can get away with.
I promised to take care of our little Izzy and unfatten her. Somehow she gained a little weight, not sure exactly what happened. I am also making little goals for myself to keep me busy and continually moving forward. I am still working on school which keeps me rather busy and work full time. I want to go on motorcycle rides up to north shore and go to the pool more. I don't have tons of time to lay around in the sun but I could be outside a little more and not look like a ghost! I am also going to go to the gym regularly and find some kind of new routine. My phone will also be permanently attached to me and I will anxiously be waiting for the Unknown call to pop up. I can't wait to hear from him or for him to be coming home but until then, I will be making weekly trips to the post office and they will know me by name!
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| I'll wait for you |
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| Semper Fidelis |
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